At one time in my life, I thought I wanted it all. Don’t we all?! It all began with a hug from across the street. My neighbor, although he didn’t know it yet, was going to be my husband—the second time around. He was everything I had hoped and prayed for, until we moved in together. Something had changed and he became another person and not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
On a daily basis, I was told that I was hopeless, worthless, useless, weird, stupid… you name it by this man I thought I knew. Instead of being able to turn to the person that once loved me, I chose ‘Ana’ (anorexia) over everyone, including my own children. Emotionally abused for 2 years, I slipped away into a deep and dark place. Ana took me in, and she was the only one who understood me. My once vibrant life as a personal trainer, mother, fiancé, sister, daughter, and friend suddenly crashed down on me. Shutting everyone out, I began to believe all of these things I was being called every day.
It was at my lowest point in this horrific disease—and that’s what it is—that I woke up from this nightmare. I couldn’t fight the battle anymore. See, Ana is all mental. I was so exhausted at the end of the day just thinking about food all the time. Living the life with Ana almost killed me—she was and is NOT my friend. Friends don’t do that! Though I may have been smiling and seemed happy, on the inside I was a complete wreck. Reaching a whole 88lbs, my frail body somehow managed to survive and I began to realize what I was doing. I realized that I deserved more than what I was given or chosen.
Today, I am still on the mend weighing in at 108lbs. It’s been 3 years now, but fighting the battle with my mind will always be there. I have begun life again with my husband-who shows me every day is worth living, my children-who love me unconditionally, and all of my remaining friends that stood by me when everyone else turned away. I am still doing what I love, my passion, which is training. It’s more than that now though. I save lives! Fitness has not changed me, but I have changed fitness. By coming out of my cage and releasing the silent killer (Ana), I can find hope and peace in knowing that someone out there will wake up and realize that they are worth more too. So I guess, in a sense, I am Mrs. Brightside.
Fitmark Ambassador 2013